


sing as well

by LiveLaughLovex



Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Post-Season/Series 05, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23607823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveLaughLovex/pseuds/LiveLaughLovex
Summary: Eddie calls in sick on the third anniversary of her brother's death. Jamie drops by after shift to check in on her.
Relationships: Edit "Eddie" Janko & Jamie Reagan, Edit "Eddie" Janko/Jamie Reagan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	sing as well

**Author's Note:**

> Now that we've made it through almost an entire season without the mystery of Eddie's brother being addressed even once, I have decided I'm just going to come up with my own backstory for him. Now that I've published this, they'll probably end up addressing it in s10e18, but frankly, I don't care anymore. I've wanted answers since the last season finale, and since they've not been given to me by the show, I'm going to just... give them to myself, I guess. 
> 
> Also, it will never cease to irritate me that the writers just threw this at us, as if the fact that both Eddie and Jamie have dead brothers wouldn't have been brought up MUCH earlier. There's no way they can have something like that in common without it ever being discussed other than in passing. That's just... not how basic human interactions work. 
> 
> Now that I've finished my rant, I hope you would enjoy! This would technically take place after the season five finale, just so you know for timelines and such. I drew a lot of inspiration from that scene in s05e15 where Jamie drops by and ends up comforting Eddie. The line about Stefan being Eddie's favorite person is borrowed from Grey's Anatomy - Amelia says it about her brother Derek, and it felt fitting here.

“Why haven’t you been answering your phone?”

“Why did _you_ drive all the way over here at ten o’clock at night?” Eddie retorted, leaning against the doorjamb as she leveled her partner with a challenging stare.

“Because _you haven’t been answering your phone_ ,” Jamie reiterated slowly, his tone of voice suggesting she was an idiot for even having to ask. “You’ve been off the grid since yesterday afternoon.”

“I have not been _off the grid_ ,” she huffed irritably. “Didn’t you talk to Renzulli at some point today? I told him I was…”

“You told him you were sick,” Jamie cut in, crossing his arms over his chest and fixing her with that all-too-knowing look of his. “You don’t seem sick, though.”

“I don’t _seem sick_?” she repeated incredulously. “What does that even _mean_?”

“Just that you seem normal. A little tired, maybe, but…”

“Thanks for that, Reagan. Really, it’s what every girl wants to hear.”

“Sorry,” he shrugged apologetically. “Can I come in, or…?”

“If I say no, will you leave?”

“Nope.”

“Yeah,” she muttered, suppressing a sigh as she moved aside to let him into her apartment, “that’s what I figured.”

He glanced around the apartment, eyes narrowing at the general state of disarray. “So,” he began slowly, turning to face her once she’d closed the door behind them, “why’d you call in sick today?”

“Did you consider I might actually _be_ sick?” she questioned rhetorically.

“No, because when you got the flu your probationary year and had a fever of 101.5, you still tried to work through the entire shift until I figured you out and forced you to go home. You don’t _take_ sick days, Janko. Not on your own, at least. So, why’d you _actually_ call in sick?”

She eyed him for a moment, then nodded defeatedly when she realized he wasn’t going to back down until he had an answer. “Today’s the third anniversary of my brother’s death.”

His eyes widened at the revelation, and he practically sank onto the sofa, staring up at her in disbelief. “I didn’t even know you _had_ a brother,” he admitted regretfully. “You’ve never mentioned him before.”

“He’d already been dead for over a year by the time we met,” she explained wearily, sitting gingerly on the cushion next to him. “I don’t like talking about how it happened, so I try my best not to bring it up at all. Obviously, my best wasn’t good enough this time around.”

“Sorry,” he said faintly, still mildly shocked by the information she’d just disclosed. “Look, if you don’t want to talk about it…”

“It’s fine,” she assured him tiredly. “We’re partners, right? And partners, they share things. Even the… the really hard things.”

“They can,” he agreed quietly, reaching over to give her shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Doesn’t mean they have to.”

“I know.” She exhaled shakily, blinking away the gathering tears and offering a despondent smile as she met his gaze. “But I want to.”

“Okay,” he acquiesced gently, waiting patiently for her to go on.

She drew in a deep breath before beginning. “His name was Stefan. He was my best friend in the entire world, and I miss him every single day.”

“He was six years older than me,” she continued, “and he was _annoyingly_ optimistic, even back when we were kids. It feels wrong saying that now, because of how much I miss it, but he was – it was a lot. He always saw the best in everybody, and I mean _everybody_. He never met a soul he wasn’t willing to save.”

“It sounds like he was a good brother, Eddie,” Jamie remarked quietly, smiling reassuringly when she glanced over at him. “A good person.”

“He was,” she agreed quietly, picking at a nonexistent piece of lint on her sweatpants. “He went to school to be a teacher; said he wanted to be an inspiration to the next generation.”

“A teacher, huh?” Jamie repeated. “Sounds like that Janko willpower was genetic, then.”

The comment coaxed a smile from her, which, judging by the way his eyes softened at the sight of it, was all he’d really been aiming for.

“Thanks,” she sighed, amused. “Pretty sure we got it from our mother.”

“Of course you did,” Jamie nodded, very obviously attempting to bite back an amused smirk. 

“ _Anyway_ ,” she continued on, smile slowly slipping away, “six months after he graduated, he accepted a job at this school in Harlem. It wasn’t really in the best neighborhood. The gangs were recruiting from the school. It broke my brother’s heart. I think it’s probably the reason he stuck around as long as he did, actually.”

“How long did he stay there?” Jamie asked curiously.

“Almost ten years,” she replied absently, leaning back against the sofa cushions. She stared straight ahead, focusing on one of the paintings hanging on the far wall. She wasn’t entirely sure where it’d come from; she believed it had been a gift from her mother for her twentieth birthday. “From the time he accepted the job until the day that he died.”

Jamie nodded once. “He stayed because he wanted to turn their lives around.”

“Like I said, he never met a soul he didn’t want to save. It was just the way he was wired, I guess.” Eddie sniffled, swiping angrily at the few tears that’d managed to escape. “He really thought he was going to be able to do some good there, you know. He really believed he’d be able to help at least _some_ of them avoid that life.”

“I’m sure he did,” Jamie attempted to comfort her.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “I’m sure he did, too. But in the end, it wasn’t enough. In the end, one of the kids he was trying to help killed him as part of a gang initiation.”

Jamie stared at her in silence for several seconds, eyes wide with horror, before he was able to speak again. “Eddie, that’s… I’m so sorry,” he murmured sincerely, reaching over to take her hand and gently squeezing her fingers. “Did they ever find the kid responsible?”

She shook her head once, eyes on their joined hands. “Everybody knew who it was, but no. The neighborhood was run by the gang that’d recruited the kid, and everyone was way too scared to say anything. They felt like they couldn’t take the risk. I don’t really blame them, mostly because I _know_ Stefan wouldn’t, but… I wonder, sometimes. I worry that the person who killed my brother’s still out there, that he might’ve killed somebody else’s by now.”

“Eddie,” he began gently.

“I know it’s irrational,” she assured him brokenly. “But losing Stefan was like… he was my _favorite person_ ,” she reiterated tearfully. “And the day he died, it felt like every single thing I believed about the world was just… wrong. I believed there was good, and I believed there was evil, but… when my brother’s murderer got up that morning, when he put that knife in his backpack… he was planning to kill Stefan. He was willing to just… erase my brother, to take someone’s family, someone’s child, someone’s _favorite person_ , out of this world. _That_ is an evil even I don’t fully understand.”

“That’s an evil you don’t _want_ to fully understand,” Jamie told her seriously.

“I know,” she whispered, moving slightly closer to him on the sofa. He wrapped his arm easily around her shoulders, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “Stefan is actually the reason I joined the NYPD,” she admitted quietly.

“Really?” Jamie frowned, glancing down at her when she nodded against him. “I’ve always thought it was because of your dad.”

“Him, too,” she allowed. “But losing Stefan was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The world didn’t make sense to me anymore, like I said, and… well, at the time, I thought that policework would be much more black-and-white than it actually is.”

“I can understand needing to make sense of the world,” he replied quietly. “After Joe died, I – it felt _wrong_ to be anything other than a cop.”

“Because you wanted to carry on his legacy,” Eddie deduced, smiling sadly when he simply nodded. “I wanted to protect people. Keep what happened to my brother from happening to someone else’s.”

“Well,” he sighed, arm tightening briefly before he fully released her, “you’ve done a pretty great job of that, Janko. You’re a good cop.”

“Thanks,” she said shyly, cheeks flushing slightly. Her smile faded as she met his gaze once more. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he replied immediately.

“Does it ever… get easier? To live in a world without…” She trailed off, eyes glistening with tears. “Does it ever get easier?”

“Yes and no,” he replied honestly. “It’s been almost six years since we lost Joe, and there’re still moments when I pick up the phone and dial his number before I realize he’s not going to pick up because he can’t, because he’s gone.”

“Like I said, it’s been three with Stefan, and I still – getting out of bed this morning was a struggle,” she confessed quietly. “I only did it so I could drive out to my mom’s place, check in on her. This day’s… hard for her. If I don’t drop by, she won’t move at all, the entire day.”

“You’re a good daughter,” he remarked quietly.

She scoffed a humorless laugh. “I don’t know if I’d go that far. She and Stefan, they always got along a lot better than she and I ever have. But, I mean… I think he was probably her favorite person in the world, too, so we have that in common.”

“Like I said, you’re a good daughter.”

“Whatever you say,” she surrendered, smiling slightly as she glanced over at him. “I think he would’ve liked you.”

“Well, from what you’ve said, he liked everybody,” Jamie pointed out humorously.

“He liked everybody on _principle_. He would’ve liked you as a _person_ ,” she clarified. “He was a fan of anybody who looked out for me, and I’m pretty sure you’ve stopped me from getting myself _killed_ a couple times now, so…”

He huffed a laugh, shaking his head. “Fair enough.”

“Plus, you’re pretty much my best friend,” she added quickly, glancing away before he could react. “Stefan always trusted my judgement. Said I was a good reader of people.”

“You are,” her partner agreed without hesitation.

“Yeah, so… he would’ve liked you,” she concluded confidently.

“Sounds like I would’ve liked him, too.”

“You would’ve.”

Jamie nodded once. “Eddie…”

“Yeah?”

“You’ll never stop missing him,” he told her truthfully. “And you’ll never get used to living in this world without him. That’s just the way it is. But it’ll get easier, eventually. You’ll be able to get out of bed on the anniversary without feeling like there’s this crushing weight on your chest, and you’ll… you’ll realize it’s not wrong for you to be happy without him around, because he’d _want_ you to be. You were his kid sister. He’d want you to keep living your life.”

“Yeah,” she breathed, mustering up a smile that, for once, was entirely genuine. “He _really_ would’ve liked you.”

He returned her smile with one of his own, then watched as she stood from the sofa and headed in the direction of the kitchen. “You alright?” he called after her.

“You planning on sticking around for a while?” she asked casually.

“I – if you don’t mind,” he returned hesitantly.

“I was going to order in from Joe’s, if that’s alright. You want your usual?”

He blinked once. “Sure. That’s fine.”

“Okay,” she sighed, collapsing next to him a few minutes later, “it’ll be here in half an hour. You want to watch something while we wait? There’s a _Law & Order_ marathon on. I’m sure you have all the episodes memorized already, but we could still…” She trailed off when she caught him staring at her. “What?” she laughed, self-consciously brushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“Nothing, I just… are you sure you’re okay?” he asked finally.

“I’m…” She paused, drawing in a deep breath before continuing. “I’m better,” she assured him honestly. “Thank you, by the way. For stopping by.”

“Anytime,” he returned. “I mean it.”

“I know,” she murmured, smiling once more before reaching for the remote on the table next to her. “So… _Law & Order_?”

“ _Law & Order_,” he agreed, amused.

She flipped to the channel, then settled in beside him. He spent most of the episodes telling her about all the errors in their arguments and procedures, shaking his head every time the prosecutor failed to _do his job_ (Jamie’s words, not hers). As they sat there, eating pizza and watching reruns of some ‘90s drama he could quote word-for-word, she laughed more than she had in a very long time.

For the first time in a long time – for the first time since she’d buried her brother – she truly felt like everything just might be okay, after all.

(Three years later, when she and Jamie finally managed to figure everything out, she drove out to Jersey with a bouquet of flowers in the backseat to share the news with him herself.

She paused in front of the stone, bending down to dust aside fallen leaves and overgrown grass, and smiled sadly when she caught sight of the words engraved atop it.

_Stefan Mihajlo Janko_  
_Beloved Son and Brother_  
_January 18, 1979 – May 13, 2012_

“You’d really like him,” was the last thing she said before she left. “I mean it, big brother.”

As she pulled from the parking lot, the sun emerged from behind the clouds for the first time in days, and she could practically hear her brother’s voice saying _I already do. You done good, kid._

The thought brought tears to her eyes and a smile to her face. “Yeah,” she murmured to herself, tears pricking her eyes as she glanced heavenward for a moment. “I’ve done _great_.”)

**Author's Note:**

> weep if you must,  
> parting is hell,  
> but life goes on,  
> so sing as well. 
> 
> \- joyce grenfell


End file.
